Saturday, October 15, 2011

I just want to be a sheep (baa baa baa baa!)

The Circumstance
I don’t trust God. It’s a humbling thing to admit, but when I look at the facts it’s the obvious conclusion.
I am anxious. I have a hard time sleeping because my mind won’t rest. I get upset when things don’t go as planned. I get fearful, resulting in anger, when I don’t have a firm grasp of control over my life. I am not patient with James (another fear/control issue). There are items in this world that I don’t have that I honestly think would solve some of my problems if I did have them. I plan plan plan prepare prepare and then run in through in my head over and over until I drive myself crazy. Prayer is not the first thing I think of when I come into hard times
These things are not results of a deep trust in the Lord.

The Word
Psalm 23:1-3
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not (be in) want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul.

The Application
Dr. Robert Flores once mentioned something in a sermon on this Psalm that stuck with me.  Sheep will not lie down in a field of luscious grass if they are hungry. This Psalm shows us that God will take care of our needs so we are able to rest. Also, sheep are skittish; they will not drink from raging waters; He leads them to water where they feel safe. Sheep who are led by a shepherd they trust are able to be still and know he is in control.
In comparison, if I trust in myself, I have every reason to be afraid. I lead myself to raging waters and then dunk my face in full force and then wonder why it’s hard to breathe. I have a hard time with the verse “Be still and know that I am the Lord”. It seems like a catch 22; in order to Know the Lord I need to be still, but in order to be still I really need to Know the Lord.  
I continually need to give up. I go through this often, you’d think I’d be better at it by now. Just give up. Let God lead. Don’t work so hard at something He can do so easily. But what does that really look like?
I can imagine what that looks like for a sheep, but it’s a bit more complicated when I look at my own life, and as I've established, it's all about me.
And that is what enhances the chaos. When I realize that it's not about me at all, and I focus on the Shepherd, I can see He is trustworthy, that I am safe, that I can be still.
I just need the constant reminder to look up.

But don't give me any of those annoying cliche sayings to remind me (like FROG or WWJD). I'll throw the bracelet back in your face.


  1. Two things. First: I love that you use that song so often. I half expected you to be singing it to me for my birthday voicemail! Second: It's really comforting to know that I'm not the only one who has a hard time trustin God. For as far as I've grown towards him, it's still hard and it's nice to know that I'm not alone in that.
    I love you!

  2. I can see it now: Sunday morning at the pulpit and James is giving the sermon in his calm, cool voice. Then Courtney who is standing on the other side of the stage gives her real life example of what really goes thru a female mind, like this blog! Then, James tells everyone what she should be thinking in that same calm voice and Courtney responds with another life experience in a high pitch, much faster, frantic voice! They go back and forth, one high pitch the other low pitch. Wow, the exchange is beyond imagining. They both are such good examples of the truth. They are both such good actors. Or, are they?