I hadn’t been feeling nearly as miserable as I had been with Paxton. On the way up the hill to the clinic, I told James that I was preparing to hear that there was nothing in there. He agreed with me and we proceeded to the office.
Two months in a row previous to this pregnancy a cyst burst on my left ovary. As the ultrasound tech began her search on my abdomen I asked her to check out the ovaries to make sure they were clear; she kept silent. My mom, Paxton, and James were in the room with us and I tried to keep from crying as the technician pressed on my very full bladder for what seemed like an eternity, her continued silence making me even more concerned. Finally she said something.
“I have something else to tell you…”
I rose up to my elbows as my worst fear had been confirmed. “There’s nothing in there?”
She turned the screen to show me and said, “Here is baby number 1… and here is baby number 2.”
My mom instantly burst into tears. So I cried. So Paxton started crying, not sure why we were crying but thinking it appropriate to join in. James just sat with his elbows on his knees and his rubbing his beard, every so often whispering, “Wow.”
We were flooded with emotions but only one word kept coming out of our mouths: Wow.
Since that day, I have gone through many phases that went something like this:
“We need a bigger car!”
“I’m going to be HUGE!”
and most recently, as we near the end of the first and exhausting/nauseating trimester, settling in to
“I hate being pregnant; its a good thing we're getting 2 for 1 because I am never doing this again.”
I know everything is going to be fine. I can come up with a gazillion Bible verses and promises that don’t actually make me feel any better because I have to process through this in my own way...with time. Having other people around me getting excited has been helpful. Having people offering help through the pregnancy and entering baby-mode has been relieving. But ultimately, I am just very aware of the fact that God gave us 30 weeks to adjust to this big news and for that I am very thankful.
It takes a lot for me to throw my hands up and give my life to the Lord because I’m a pretty capable person. But this? This was a zinger. And it’s exactly what He meant to do.
Somehow that gives me the most peace.